You can travel a long way in 10 years
10 years ago, just about now, I went on the most transformational week long retreat with Briony Greenhill. It was called 'rewilding the voice and singing the land' and it was held at Embercombe, an eco-retreat centre in Devon.To call it transformational is an understatement. It set me on a pathway of connection, discovery and relationship to my voice (and naturally, therefore, myself -as those of you who sing or work with me know, I don't believe there is a separation of voice and self).
So much of my life now was set in motion that week, and the ripples continue. It was Briony's first retreat. It was my first time away from the kids/ from the family. On the second day I cried deep tears of shame and sorrow. The cohort for the retreat was mostly professional and experienced singers. I was a mum who had taken a few singing lessons and did not know which way was up when it came to music theory. I had barely worked out that a chord on a guitar was a combination of notes and not just a shape that you made with your fingers!
I was utterly dismayed that I was totally 'out of my league' (my narrative) and that I had come away to a retreat that was 90% improvisation and that EVERYONE knew so much more than me, could sing 'better' than me and was so much more confident than me. HOW DARE I - so, so, so audacious. I knew I needed to leave, run away, get the hell out of there. (spoiler, I didn't run away!)
By some miracle and divine grace or beautiful luck, I was not only on a course with the wonderful Briony. She had attracted the most beautiful souls who also held me in that space. Laila Cohen, Jeremy Hopkin, Robin Leonard, Lucy Sessions, Isolde Lachlan, Amy Clouds, Namvula, Toni Spencer, Lisa Schneidau, Caroline Burkie, and Sharon Galyer. (and I am sure others I can't recall in this moment).
So, I stayed ... I allowed myself to feel the shame, the terror, the impostor syndrome, the self-loathing, the grief ... and beneath all that I discovered the desire, the longing, the joy, the determination to commit myself to the beautiful and challenging journey of discovering my voice.
Not just my creative singing voice, but my real, authentic, natural, messy, challenging activist voice. The voice that shows up and asks difficult questions, the voice that speaks up when others won't listen, the voice that seeks to advocate for justice, the voice that values women and beauty.
The voice that knows all life is sacred.
I can't thank each of those participants enough for holding me, just by being beautiful and present, and raw with their own journey. Amidst the humdrum and everyday, there are some moments in life that, if we allow them, can change us profoundly.
I am so glad I stayed that week - by the end my voice was free-er and I knew with deep clarity that I wanted to be strong enough to sing for myself and with others. Sing, dance and celebrate my aliveness.
In just 10 short but intense years I have journeyed so far and so deep and I am immensely grateful to be where I am today.
Aho! to all of you who came on that course. Aho! to all who are reading this - I am excited to discover what the next 10 years may bring.
And, I guess, If I were to make this post a 'teachable moment' - for myself and for anyone else who might find it helpful, I would say "when you feel like running away because you're overwhelmed by your inner feelings... dig deep, stay strong and find beautiful souls to hold on with"
It is so worth it.
